Where is my mind? Where is my heart?  How have I lost this many friends in this short of a time? How have I lost friends at all? I understand distance (geographically and in character), but this abrubt? What do I do to bother people? Honestly. Because I'm as non-confrontational as it gets. I try to keep people I like around. A lot. I enjoy really anyone's company, especially people I get along with. I just don't understand how three people that were my best friends, within weeks, decided to write me off their metaphorical friends list. What do I do that seems like a threat? Is it that I smoke a cigarette or two on my breaks at work? Is it the fact that I am comfortable enough with my sexuality to talk about it with people I'm relatively close and relaxed with? Does it bother people that I use colorful language to spice up my diatribe? Do people think I'm an alcoholic? Is a bottle of wine every month or two a problem? Am I out of control? Even if all these things are a problem to whoever decides to disown me, it wouldn't bother me as much if I actually knew what the problem was. The fact of the matter is, I don't. People that know me surely must know I'm not the type of person that goes out looking for trouble. I keep to myself save for the times I like to spend quality time with good people. Do I really seem like the type of person who would want to spend my time ruining relationships I hold dear to me? At least someone know. Let's not be vague. Let's not acuse me of something completely out of my behavior. I am a creature of habit. At least let me know what I am doing wrong, because right now I am completely doubting any reason to trust, to love, to indulge, to breath. I don't live for myself anymore. I live for my friends and the wisdom that comes from moments shared with them. If I don't have that, I don't see any purpose to life.

let the after image wrap around my floating blurred reality
skin crawling in ecstasy warped in my mind frame

my fingers slip behind my head
hanging onto something barely there beneath me

into the open air you throw your words
we have faith the wind will carry your voice
and that my ear will receive them gently

why is one in the morning always a good time to talk?
while our souls wait at the window for our owners to come back

from work
tails wagging with the first footsteps at the door

rain on the windshield, the tin roof sags with the weight of my

heavy heart
i drag ours both with me wherever i go
and you know
exactly where i've gone.

your words are text now
written in syntax not uncommon to binary nulls and filled voids
encased in default impersonal hand

my heart sags with the weight of my heavy mind

I feel a lot better today, as if some one came in my dreams and talked me out of my bad thoughts. I can't remember much of what happened in those dreams, but I woke up feeling inspired and at least a little bit alive.

Or you can call me crazy and say that I'm just going through regular manic depressive stages of bipolar. That'd probably be just as good of an answer.

We will see what the day brings.

So I'm sitting here in the dark looking at a computer screen feeling so fucking alone. I'm aware of the people I know, the people I can go to, the people who have reached out to me before, but at this point I just don't care.

I don't know where to go, who would want to listen, what I'd say, or what I can do.

All I want is for this fucked up feeling to pass, but I know it will forever be a part of me.

And every time I get like this, and even after the feeling passes, I can't help but be afraid that one day I'm going to jump off the motherfucking roof due to this severe case of the crazies. I KNOW, life's not that bad. I KNOW, things could be worse. I'm aware that taking my life would only make things worse. You think I give a shit about those things when I'm too busy ripping my hair out and crying so hard I can't breathe? When I get that way, the only thought in my head is, "Make it stop."

And I guess that's the simplest way to make it stop to me.

There's more behind this, I know. I'm not depressed on my own. It's not just seasonal affective disorder. It's not just being poor. It's not just living at home. It's not just being away from Jon.

It's fucking everything and more.

Give me pills, give me someone to talk to, give me a fucking roof to jump off. Give me something that will make this end or I'll end it myself.

I started drinking coffee again. To most people, that statement would evoke little concern, but it's something that shakes up my whole system. I like how caffeine is a drug that allows me to control it's consumption, as well as being socially acceptable. People don't think that drinking coffee would alter your reality. Or I guess I should put it this way: Most people don't think that NOT drinking coffee would alter their reality. Oh contrare monfrare. This shit makes people go crazy; I've seen it first hand. People go nuts when they have to wait an extra three minutes for a new pot of the brew. It's like I just told them they're going to have to wait to see their dying grandma when they know she only has minutes to live. Chillax people, it's going to be okay. But no seriously, when I drink coffee, I become thoughtful, more motivated, and excited to just be fucking awake. When I wasn't drinking coffee, I was depressed, tired all the time, and it wasn't because I hadn't had it, or my body needed it. Fuck, I hadn't had a sip (which was hard considering I work at Starbucks) for like three months. Sure it upsets my bowels as much as anything else, but shit, it's nice to be able to have something in my system that doesn't make me tweak out as much as anything else because I know it's alright to be a hyper little fucker in our society. It's not like people look at you and your mug in hand and say, "Oh...what a shame that he/she has succumb to that." No, they go, "Oh wow, that person must be a thoughtful, intellectual individual to be enjoying this beautiful morning dispite the hustle and bustle of every day life." Or maybe I just made all of this shit up and pulled it out of my ass because I felt like writing a bunch to drain my excess energy. Who the fuck knows? All I know is that right now I'm excited to be alive and start my day.

Maybe later I'll write about something that actually matters.

I'm in love with you but the love is gone. It ain't over baby 'cause we still can bone.
I see that day you left me, for another dude, and now your heart is empty, feeling so confused.

Now you want me back, trying reattach!
Begging "PLEASE" on your knees trying to suck me back!

But you done broke my heart, into a million pieces.
I should've seen it coming, wish i had telekinesis

I said you broke my heart, into a million pieces.
I can't love you but I can fuck ya till you call me Jesus.

I can totally relate to this shiz.

This is so teenage angst but I swear to god my dad makes me want to slit my wrists about 75% of the time I interact with him. I didn't get into a fight with him; it's not worth it anymore. God, he's acting like me, but at least I have a legitimate reason because I can't control my fucking hormones.

I need to get out. I need to get out. I need to get out. Fuck, I need to get out.

Fuck male-PMS. Maybe if he just pulls the fucking dildo out of his ass he'll stop being such a fucking bitch.

Fuck.

Today was one of the better days I've had in a while. Made really good banana walnut vanilla soy protein pancakes and Bella Vista coffee. Finally got dressed around three and went out to lunch at the Eagle Diner with Dan and David. Realized my car sounds like it's going to die every time I put the brakes on, so I guess I should get that checked out before it kills the both of us. We went to Starbucks and dealt with some weirdness and weird people there, as usual. That place honestly seems like a breeding ground for some of the most awkward situations most of the time.

We went back to the house and and Dan and Dave watched Charmed while I drank Kool-Aid and colored in my dinosaur coloring book I bought from the dollar store. I have to admit I do a pretty mean coloring of a T-Rex these days. Somewhere in the midst of all my preschool rated activity, Dave decided to make art by melting all my crayons on wax paper with an icon. Now we have stained glass window decorations. They actually look pretty sweet, and nothing beats melting crap. Pretty much after that we just fucked around and watched TV. It was really peaceful.

Not to mention we couldn't really do much since the roads are being all icy.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll get my room someone organized when Dan comes over.

Basically today was relatively uneventful, but stress free. I'm feelin it.

My birthday fucking rocked, despite the fact that Jon never came down. I started my day late and found an envelope on the counter from my dad with a certificate for an $150 Kohl's shopping spree. Awesome. Then I fucked around the house for a little bit until my sister got back from her dad's place in Stockton.

I went over to my mom's and she gave me a beautiful bamboo plant with fake orchids on it, a Chia Cat Grass Planter for Catty, and 50 bucks. We ate hors d'œuvres and vegged out for a while. I left when my sister conked out and went over to Daniels a little bit later.

Liz, Dan, and Dave were all drinking by the time I got there, so as usual I had to play catch up. Liz gave me this awesome card with a baby on a potty and inside it said, "Aw, poop. Another birthday." She knows me a little bit too well. She gave me a $15 gift certificate to Borders. A beer, a Smirnoff Ice, and a shot of rum later, I was out the door along with everyone else. We picked up Spring and were on our way to Ota-Ya.

Kalie and her boyfriend Matt were already there when we arrived. When deciding on drinks, we were informed that this place was a BYOB. So what do you think happened? Liz and Spring went to the liquor store and came back with a case of Bud Light (classy, Liz), a bottle of plum wine, and sake. Everyone put in their orders. I got the Dragon Roll (Eel, avacado, and roe) and Lobster Mango Roll (Lobster, mango sauce, and other things I don't know), and a miso soup. We're all sitting there eating and entertaining, and mainly me screaming things like, "I DON'T FUCKING CARE, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!', when who do you know, Sean Fowler walks in the door. I was dumbfounded. This is just about to get awesomer.

We were about to leave when I hear the waitress behind me singing happy birthday! Awwwww, and in front of me was a plate of green tea tempura ice cream! Amazing.

After dinner, we all went back to Dan's place and proceeded to get more drunk. I don't really remember what happened at this point except for excessive use of Dan's magical princess wand to make my boobs grow. Didn't work.

Liz and Dave crashed out and Dan, Sean, my sister and I were left. We walked back to my house and proceeded to get more fucked up there. We did some AWESOME mad libs, colored with crayons, talked and talked and talked about god knows what. At some point I thought it would be an awesome idea to eat a sandwich and drink milk with it. I tell you what, not a fucking clever idea, my friends. That went right back up the other way.

Eventually everyone left and I was able to get some sleep, even though I felt really yucky. I just woke up and feel awesome and ready to eat some awesome food.

All in all, that was probably the most awesome birthday party I ever had. I can't believe everything pulled together. :-)

So basically for Christmas I made out with:

• A fishing rod with lures
• Dremel drill with bits and attachments
• Pliers and screwdriver set
• Magnifying clip on desk lamp
• Safety glasses
• Ice scraper for my car
• Scottie dog licorice
• Jewelry making book
• 140 bucks
• $25 to Herbs Hobbies
• $60 to Kohls
• $25 to Macy's
• Chocolate
• Gingerbread soap
• My sister being here

Christmas isn't over yet because I still have yet to see and exchange gifts with the rest of my friends.

I gifted myself four PS2 games, thanks to the buy two get one free used game sale at Game Stop. I ended up getting:

• Drakengard
• Ecco the Dolphin: Defender of the Future
• Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly
• God of War

Ecco is freakin hard. The whole being underwater and not being able to tell which way is up or down or whatever is just disorientating. I almost get nauseuous. But all in all it's pretty similar to the other oldschool Ecco games I've played.

I've never had a Spyro game of my own so I'm excited for that. God of War is supposed be pretty good, so we'll see. And Drakengard entails riding on dragons, so even it sucks, it was only 10 bucks, and you can't pass up dragons. Seriously. I have an obsesson.

Anywho, my original birthday and Christmas plans were foiled after Jon was an idiot and among other things, had his camera, computer, and GPS stolen after his baggage was lost on his way home. He's dealing with a lawyer and all that shit, so basically he couldn't make it down, even though we had booked a hotel and made reservations for dinner, and were going to pal around Philly for two days. You can't imagine how bummed both of us were, but basically it's his fault and I love making him aware of it. So in leau of that situation, a bunch of people and I are going out for sushi tonight. Hopefully no one will fuck that up for me, or else I will be hella fucking pissed. It's my GAD DAMN BIRTHDAY bitch.

No but seriously, I want everything to work and not have something get fucked up for once. 'twould be nice.

It's my party I can cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want tooooooooooooooo...

k lets go get me some gad dam presentz.

sometimes you just crave melted pancakes

so i'm drunk now after daniels week before 19 year old birthday party.

i just had a really good discussion with this girl marrissa who works with dans boyfriend dave at house of coffee. her boyfriend is about to go on a 9 month tour in iraq. i totally can relate with her. i hope to hang out with her soon she seems reallly freakin awesome.

chrissy, sarah henrich's older sister, seems really badass and works/owns superkind in town. she mentioned that i should try putting my liquid eyeliner on the top lid instead of my bottom and willl teach me since i don't really know. awesome, i need makeup tips like practically always.

i saw my old boss trish and her girlfriend kaleah. both awesome i love them.

chris and his boyfriend aaron were also there. i LOVE them and want to marry them totally.

more things later.

MUCH LOVE!!!

So! I started writing again. That's all well and cool. I will thank David Neilson for inspiring me to blog again. This is the first real update that's not poetry that I've written in a while.

I should be stressed out about work that needs to get done for school, and I guess in a way I am--but I can't let myself get too stressed out or else the work will never get done. I might have to pull a few all-nighters, hopefully I won't, but I'll be prepared to do so.

I just recently got really excited about my last 3D fundamentals project. We had to make a functional item out of a found object(s). This is what I made:



anddd....




-modeled by yours truly. (my boobs look huge for some random reason...)

I'm pretty proud of it. The centerpiece is a drain I found while dumpster diving with my friend Ethan at school. The plastic shards are from a light fixture somewhere in the building, I'm sure. Other random things are a penny I found with the hole already in it at work, a key from somewhere unknown, soda can pop top, random earings without a mate, a Jesus bead. Not shown are plastic shard earrings. They are mad cool as well.

In other news, I've been listening to some pretty sweet music. I have to thank Pandora Radio for that. Soon I'll make a list of my new favorites.

Jon and I are back together after some experimenting on my part with a certain Canadian barista from Yardley named Jeff. That was fun and everything but yeah, long story really short-- we didn't give a shit about eachother. Period. He's fun and got some awesome music and some cute animals (a ferret and a kitten!) but basically, Jon is my man. I'm so in love with him. He's the only one that's meant anything beyond anyone else I've ever been with.

With that aside, he's flying me down to his base in Texas on the fifth for the weekend to celebrate what would have been our two year anniversary if we both weren't dumb and could actually decide what we wanted. Should be fun and I expect to see some fucking tumbleweeds! After that, he'll be going back home for Christmas. Then he'll be coming here and we're going to Philly for my birthday! We got this awesome room at the Penn View Hotel with a king bed and a jacuzzi. We're going to check out the Franklin Institute and the PMA. I can't wait!

Work is pretty good. We just got a lot of new people, which is cool and annoying at the same time. It's nice to have more people to fill the spaces we needed, but it's annoying as fuck trying to train people while dealing with retard customers at the same time. Sometimes I seriously feel like I'm in a retard hospital. I feel like I'd make a good shift because I know what needs to get done and how to assign tasks, but I am such a bitch that I'd probably make someone cry and get fired by telling them to rebrew coffee in too condescending or bossy of a tone. Whatever the case, it'll eventually happen I think. I should at least get paid for what I know how to do, right?

I can't really think of anything else to say. I've been away from this journal for too long. I hope I get some good stuff for Christmas. I will try and write more later!

her lilac eyelids sighed with every
twitching tingling sting of her lower extremities
she walked
    her eyes wandered
        she leaned against the wind
    the wind blew the seeds to sew the winter sky
        frozen icicles for ocean teardrops
    clinging globules hang down to her toes
        she leaned against the diagonal horizon
    galaxies twinkled in the snowwhite comatose sclera
    twitching twinkling like glistening
paroxysm christmas lights
    suspended from rooftops
    from the trees
    like tiny microcosms hanging from the sky

this blue reminds me of a doom monsters head
sheen with sweat
radio frequencies set to high
    fluctuate with every pulsating beat
   

lily wields a rusty whisk
    and parts the cornhusk field with it
    she knows the moon comes softly
    when the blackbird flaps its oily wings


        the noise hums like some kind of wolfen dog howling
    sweat in the sewers glisten
     lily holds tight to her whisk
        she knows her cake is close

    this blue is bluer than any blue lily knew
    but the day rejects it
    sirens blast every eardrum within reach
        rust rains from the leaches cliffs

my lemon eyes squeeze sour tears
its easy to tell if you unzipper the lemon rind from east to west

remind me to chastise my cat for making origami

sometimes i ride on granite stars through rainbow buttholes
the fireworks there are spectacular
like a crowning babies maggot head

my cat struggles to touch the green stegosaurus.

my asshole burns with stomach lining acid. this is not the first nor the last time.

one day i will return to find this rantings and lol out loud.

where's the beef?

continental butter chips.

fuck like a duck
like a motherfucking schmuck
like i'm shit outta luck
man this really fucking sucks.

i'll shell out your brains with an icecream scoop

and sell them to children on street corners where the moldy newspapers used to be
(they've been eaten too)
i've made friends with the roaches, especially the
metallic purple
    bloated
    upturned wings
    upturned in its vat of procreative juices and feces
        charlie likes the roaches
            he likes to watch them fly

   
skyward, the roaches are skybound
    climbing the finite walls, binding our coursing fluid matrix

    liquid insides linked together through a fluid matrix seething
    scathing
    hot
        extra hot

            extra hot with no lid or no sleeve not even a stopper to stop the bounding life liquid encased within its cardboard container

charlie likes his coffee like he likes his roaches

        sunday nights i shell out brains
    this dirty job lets me reflect on the perplexed expressions charlie used to have when i told him the roaches were mine and not his

now we are on about the same page
    the same plane
       
charlie likes his roaches

    i'll take the brains.

    black,
bloated and upturned.

tonight i roam in lavender fields
encased in steel scaffolding
fear from the wind drives me inward
to think and contemplate and ponder
and cold becomes my black heart beating
i am swollen with the fragile crystal fibers that fuse my soul with infatuation, debasement
it's breaking me down

the nodes of the inflamed organ flinch
with each note in the symphony
my chorus softly lingering
upon my naked tongue
lachrymose objections to my self prophesized reality
stumbling
this is all familiar now

Conlin and I had an interesting text message conversation last night. It all started with the first line, which was actually stated by my coworker David, as he spoke so matter-of-factually of a coffeepot.

This microwave is not George Washington. But frankly the audience was far from automated. Indeed the ghost was charged with silver magnetism. However the elephant would not be disturbed. Throughout the corners of every institutionalized brothel lies ideas that there may indeed be an end to all fruitful thought.

home from yet another awesome crazy weekend at ptc in wilpo. just had a crazy drive through bumblefuck new jersey and need to sleep away the bad memories of the drive. i'll write about it later.

kind of sucks when you find someone you think could really work out in a relationship, after you've already fooled around a bit, and you find out they're already taken.

i hate being the person men cheat on their girlfriends with.

Sometimes I think about placing myself in an institution just for a vacation. Clean white sheets and a clean new room sound good.

When I get like this, I get really sentimental. I literally just started crying for no reason. I was drinking hot chocolate out of my favorite mug. I love that thing. If it ever breaks, I swear to god I might just freak the fuck out.

I'm thinking that I want to get an origami crane for my next tattoo. Probably not for a while. I'm still afraid of telling my dad about my first one. That would suck major balls if he kicked me out.

Maybe I should have a place lined up just in case.

So Friday, after receiving some major hint dropping text messages, Jon surprised me by showing up at my house. He drove all the way from Massacusets to see me for the weekend. Now this is after I prayed for a little while last week that I'd see him before he went off to train in Texas. Keep in mind I haven't seen him since Valentine's Day. I guess the power of attraction really does work.

Now that he was down here though, it seemed just the same as the last time we saw eachother. He gets pissy when I get pissy and when he gets pissy I get pissy. I got to experience the whole antisocial thing he does again when he doesn't want to be touched, because he's "too hot." So that sucked. But we were still just as comfortable.

Anyway, it was good seeing him but I definitely have some things to think about. I didn't bother to ask what our current situation is because I didn't feel like getting hurt today. I think we both know that it's something we have to think on. Maybe now is just a bad time in our lives. He needs to get his shit together so he can stop being a spazz about everything. And I need to find out what I'm doing too. I think, however, that I'd prefer someone less insensitive. I like to cuddle too much to be pushed away.

P.S. I love jam.

This was totally unexpected but...

I GOT MY FIRST TATTOO!!







"This symbol is called the Galactic Butterfly which is said to represent all of the consciousness that has ever existed in this galaxy. This is all of our physical ancestors both human, animal, reptile, fish, shell fish, plants as well as the consciousness which organized all of the raw material from a whirling disk into stars then planets and solar systems. Big Meaning. So big that the original Maya had no symbol for this. In their civilization it was like having no name for God. Just knowing the concept was good enough. Later this pattern was devised by Toltec or Zapatec weavers as a pattern for blankets and this is where Jose Arguelles came across it. He called it Hunab Ku. The indigenous peoples call it "The Galactic Butterfly".Butterflies are seen as ancestors returning for a visit to physicality. Wearing one of these symbols is very powerful as it broadcasts your reaching to actively join the consciousness of our galaxy."

I've been looking for this for far too long.

Stuff that's on my mind lately, or at least now that I can remember:

My good friend Alex Batt from BCCC just got a new apartment. OH! Hey needs another room mate. Could that be me?? Who knows.... I sure am thinkin about it. Just have to get some more specs on it, and I'll probably do it. All I know right now is it's him and his friend Fred, in some apartment in Bensalem, and it'd be 400 bucks a month including utilities and comcast...hm...

Another apartment/living conditions springs up sometime next summer, with Sean and his band The Invincible Gods. It would be in New Brunswick, not sure how much I'd have to ship in for rent or whatever, but it'd probably be split five ways, so hopefully not too much. Sean and I could both work at the Starbucks there, or I could do something completey different. If I wanted to stay, Sean says there's an art college out there, I guess I'd probably have to check that out.

Also lingering in the background is, do I still want to transfer to Andrea's college next semsester? I guess if that's going to happen, I better talk to Kutztown advisors and Bucks advisors and see what my options and priorities are.

(breath)

My job at Starbucks right now is driving me up the friggin wall more than it ever has before. I've been there two years, but this is the most burnt out and bitter I have ever felt working somewhere. My boss pretty much lied in my face about scheduling me for a day I had school, I'm constantly that one person that's harassed my phone calls to come in early or on my days off because they can't hire anyone who actually comes to work on time (or at all) or can work like a competant human being. There's an unseen force that's taking over our store and I feel it. I need to get out quick.

I  guess I'll look for a new job today. Walk around New Hope a little bit. I know Bliss needs someone, and I know the New Hope Apparel guy would love to have someone. I'll probably check him out, he's been wanting to hire me for a while, but I don't want to work for like seven bucks an hour. I wonder if he'd at least meet what I'm getting paid now, including tips.

What else is going on...?

I'm probably smoking way too much pot, but I'm not a stoner. I've just been crazy paranoid lately. It's weird, when I'm work, or even sometimes at home, I'll get that weird hotflash feeling of embarassment or anxiety...but for nothing. And it keeps happeneing. Maybe I'll take a little break from the ganja.

So I started school. My classes are pretty rad, I managed to get some good professors. My English Comp profession is a total wackjob and each class usually has to do with something sexual or gross or just completely random. Last class he made his own conclusion that they make BenGay in cheez whiz flavor. My 3D Fundamentals class seems like it'll be challenging, but the professor is so sweet, I had her my first class ever for Drawing Fundamentals. Hopefully that'll go over well. My Visual Literacy class, I have this professor that tries to be a hardass, but likes me, or at least knows me because I've had him for two other classes. And my Illustration class seems like it could be a lot of work but fun. We'll play it out, man. IT'S COLLEGE.

Boy problems... Well Jon's being all lovey lately. I think he's trying to decide whether or not he wants to be with me again. He might even be planning a trip down here. Who knows. He's dropping hints like crazy though. He's being retrained for like two or three months in Texas by the AF to fix electrical generators. Maybe after he's done that he can transfer to McQuire and live with me like a normal boyfriend. I just told him I won't put my life on hold for him though.

But beforeeeee all of this Jon business started going down, I was super lame and using this internet dating website to try and snap a decent person to date around with. I ended up meeting this guy that I actually remember going to school with. Turns out he's in the AF now too, but way more of a total douche than Jon ever was. He's all lovey on the phone, but when we were out together the two times that we were, all he did was insult me and act all condescending. I told him to take me home that night and haven't talked to him since. Fuck that bitch.

I went out with another dude from Doylestown who's a vegetarian. While he's real chill to talk to about essentially anything, he's way short and reminds me of someone that should be a dad. I saw a kind of weird nervous side of him too which I don't know how to explain but I wasn't really feelin it. That date, if you want to call it that, we looked at bikes (he's an avid bicyclist) for like an hour or two and I was starving. Finally we ended up at one of my favorite Japanese markets, completely by chance, and I almost peed myself in excitement. All and all the night was alright, but I don't know if I'm feelin him on that kind of level.

Wait! Wait! There's one more dude, well, at least one that I've talked to more than the others. He found me on Myspace a couple months ago. Get along pretty good, funny as hell, actually has the same wacky sense of humor as Sean Fowler, which is awesome. Um, but this kid lives in--where? Delaware. Yeah, he may be an awesome boyfriend, or friend, or whatever, but I just don't know if I can do another long distance relationship again. I like being able to just be like, "Yo, I want to see [blank]. I'm going to see them right now!!" and show up at their house less than 45 minutes later.

So pretty much, I'm a pimp. But a wiseman one told me, "Pimpin' ain't easy." It's so true. Probably even more so when those bitches owe you money, but right now they're just robbing me of my emotional and mental energy.

Oh yeah, I didn't really write about it, but I was totally in a car crash like three weeks ago with Caitie Flynn as the driver. It sucked and the hospital sucked more and I had a badass bruise all over my left side and my face was burnt from the airbag going off. Better now, just freaked about driving as night.

I think there's probably more, but I can't remember and I think I wrote enough for today. Also I'm really fucking hungry.

Also, if you ever get the chance, play drunk crochet. Being inebriated only makes it more fun!

K I'm gonna go write about match sticks.

whoa hoe hoe...

losing it.

i am the queen of apology.

that was weird.

I have so much on my mind, but I never feel like writing it here anymore...

I'll try to find some time today.

I might paint first though.

this is a reminder to myself to get my ears checked out.

i woke up with an earache like three days after the crash.

now i felt like something like a chunk of earwax was coming out, but i couldn't quite get it. q-tip doesn't work.

maybe the doctor left something in my ear haha. malpractice. now it hurts again wtf.

Alright, I'm really PMS-y right now...but I have to say one thing...

It really sucks when you're that one friend everyone avoids involving in their own personal life. Especially when people you thought were two of your closest friends won't tell you something because they're afraid you'll tell someone else.

Whatever happened to the days when people could tell people anything? I used to be one of those people.

It just sucks being left out. Not like I need to know every single update of everyone's life, but the fact that they don't want me to know is a whole different story.

And I'm lonely.

The Lava Lamp was the iTune's visualizer of yesteryear.

sean and his friends are smart. just hung out with him candace, nick, rameen and kalie. good discusions.

annunaki

I feel like there's not enough time in the day to do the things I want to do. Then I realize that I sleep away most of that time I could use to do those things.

I wake up from ten hour sessions of sleep, only to get up to check my email and go back to sleep for another two or three hours. I can't escape my dreams. I love to sleep, but now it just seems like I just wake up more tired and nothing interests me enough to want to put on clothes and be a part of society.

It's almost five in the evening and I still haven't had anything to eat.

I think I'm depressed but I don't want to admit it. It always seems like a cop out.

---

I saw Daniel from rock climbing and Bucks yesterday at work. I miss that dude. I realized that working eight hour shifts usually let me see people I normally wouldn't get a chance to run into. But it doesn't make them suck any less.

I had a crazy week of partying. I was going to go to Sean and Candace's bandThe Invincible God's show, but I felt like my body was telling me not to. If there's drugs or alcoholal I wouldn't be able to resist, so I just stayed at home. I think eating (cr)Applebee's food made me get a little food poisoning as well.

But I will always have the memories of this past week. Good times.

my internet is seriously retarded.

maybe it's a sign from above to go outside or something.

explosions in the sky makes me feel like time is nonexistent.

sean korman has a highly developed third eye.

i am spinning in purple.

i have to watch gummo and kids.

b, i'm coming.

i am floating in blue out of my stupid human suit.

so jon called me this morning after not having spoken to me in over four days. i know that doesn't seem like that much, but before that, our "conversations", if you even want to call them that, last less than three minutes each, were cut short by other priorities. i was always pushed aside, but i thought it was all part of his master plan to get back to work, find a house, make money, etc...

yeah, he pretty much told me he's not going to make an effort to ever come see me. he told me he's not going to wait around for me. i never said he had to. i would have liked him to, but i was always the one who seemed to be waiting. he told me if he finds someone he wants to be with up there, he's going to be with them. i wonder if he's already found that person. the thought makes me sick.

i wish he would have told me he didn't want to wait when i wanted to go to utah.

i think i'm going to go anyway.

i need out, i need out, i need out.

i just want someone to fucking give a shit about me. i don't ask for much, just for someone to care.

It literally took two days day and night to get my room completely rearranged, organized, and rid of random shit I don't need. It still needs some art and some more organization but holy shit, it looks freakin' awesome. Thanks Kelly.

I friggin love the music from Unreal.

I want to live there.

Kind of fixed shit with Liz, even though I think she's lying through her teeth and playing dumb about it. I said what I had to say and now it's done, no use being pissed at her for something if she doesn't even get.

Stopped into work. Saw Dez walking by the street. I've been meaning to catch up and we walked around and caught up on girl gossip. Smoked too many cloves, but it's okay.

In a really chill mood right now.

I have to take Duncan to the vet tomorrow.

Yoga later.

Hopefully I'll see someone awesome in between.

just got back from having dinner with my mom and david.

fed the deer some stale bread and she got maybe three feet away from me cool.

ate some burgers, my macorini salad, cord and some clams.

mom loved the salad.

david asked me if it was cool if he married mom once he divorce was settled.

i think i'm totally fine with it, but i'll think about it more later.

kind of drunk now, had some wine with them and listened to hippie music.

pretty much it.

gotta wake up at 4 tomorrow

nuebella remextus

just got high with my mom for the very first time.

i have to be up at 4 in the morning

i have to show mom my pipe and get her a new one, hers kind of sucks

so i think i'm depressed again.

it's hard to find things that make me happy right now.

it's hard when i know i'm not sad because of the situation i'm in. i'm sad because i'm sad.

going back to bed.

i'm more broken than i thought i was. apparently i don't hide it well.

jon'z getting closer than ever. i love him so much and i'm happy things are playing out the way they are, but fuck, he's right, i need to learn to stand up for myself. i guess it's just hard to say no when you're used to never being told you're pretty or hot or whatever, and someone thinks that about you, and wants to hook up like two seconds later, especially when the person who said the previous statement is pretty hot themselves.

i don't regret in the least ever being with jon, he makes me so fucking happy and knows me better than my best friends, but if i could change one thing about it is to have the relationship be later on. i feel like i'm missing out on vital hookups that could possibly lead to good friendships. i guess i just don't like having to say no to people because i'll never know what they could have meant to me.

i'm confused. i pretty much just made out with this kid i just met from doylestown on the wingdam in front of liz and 7 other peoplel. i gave him my number. he seemns like he could be a nice person but he was definitely stoned or drunk. and he made out with me and it was fun, but the whole time i thought about jon and i love him not this random dude. oh well. jon told him when he calls to just tell him to fuck off. it's harder for me than it is for him.

last night i got the drunkest i've been in a while. i was with good people though. of whom i fucking made out with too. jesus. i have to stop doing that.

ugh. fuck. fuck. fuck. dude i love jonny so much. if he was here it'd be so much easier to just tell guys to fuck off. but the only thing i can do, and these situations will force me to do it, is to become stronger myself and learn to be self dependent. jonny. fuck i love this man.

ugh i woke up and i am still fucking drunk and shaking. what the fuck is this people?
 
gay.

i'm not going to drink in a while. i can tell you that much.

'dot it like a chucken saunte"

i love righ nwow i jujst made oiut with one straight dude and his one semi-straight gifrlfriend qho is actuallly the sisiter of someone ery close to me that i knoiw that is also straight but we made out and s ome how that is sexual and she wants to have sex with me and him nd i don'kt now if at he same time but in th emorning i might not rememeber this or be able to decifir this at all ut it wilprobably be funny as hell lolololoz. going to bed now love yallzzzz kk peace